Sex and Relationship Coaching Q & A

We have been receiving huge amounts of mails from individuals and couples, requesting for complimentary advice before signing up for our services, regarding relationships and sexual performance problems and variety of sexual preferences such as: oral sex, anal sex, swing and swap, threesome, sex in public and more.

Questioners wanting to know how they can persuade their wives, husbands, lovers, boyfriends and girlfriends to participate in swing and swap, threesomes and sexual activities in public, as well as performing oral sex and having safe anal sex.

We decided to offer a few an all-inclusive complimentary advices to save time in answering these similar questions mentioned at the above. Keep in mind that sexual and relationship problems are complex issues, which requires comprehensive in-depth examination and analysis. If you are faced with any such issues you should seek help, because if left unresolved it would only make things worse.

A Few Typical Questions:

“My wife refuses to perform oral sex on me. Please let me know how I can motivate her to perform fellatio, even though I have performed oral sex on her many times, helping her in achieving orgasm. She refuses to have anal intercourse as well, how can I encourage her to allow me these sexual pleasures?”

“My husband is been asking me to meet and consider having sex with other couples. The idea is very tempting, and every time we are having sex, we fantasize about another man inside of me while my husband is also fucking me; being sandwiched between two hard men, caressed and kissed by the wife, is amazingly exciting. What should I do? Is that a good idea?”

“My wife and I been married for little over 2 years now and over time our sexual desires and excitement level has diminished to the point that in order to get excited and aroused we watch porn. How can we get back our initial sexual excitement and feelings we use to have for each other?”

Our Advice:

Must never forget that sex takes place between your ears, not between your legs. Meaning that focusing on visual stimulation such as porn movies for arousal is within itself a cry for help. Also porn movies are to say the least unrealistic, degrading and distracting, causing unrealistic and harmful expectations. Lastly having sex, or making love, will obviously requires one‘s full attention for optimum level of intimacy and performance.

Swing, Group Sex, Orgy, Threesome and Foursome, or any other form of sexual configuration must be considered very carefully. Keep in mind that if fantasies are used to fulfill what is missing in one’s real sex life and relationship, they gradually become more of a wish list to attain. Before going through with it and engaging in any one of their sexual fantasies, the couple in question must explore and examine their romantic, intimate and sexual relationship very carefully, closely, to discover and fix all the bugs therein

Unfulfilled and unresolved sexual expectations cause resentments. - Resentments buildup shall destroy any and all relationships in time. It would come a time where the person seek the live out the fantasy with or without her / his partner.

Any sexual acts, requests, conditions and means of performance between lovers has to be done willingly and happily, without any sense of guilt, obligations and or expectations, what so ever.

One must learn to treat one’s lover as an absolute equal and always have an intelligent and unambiguous conversation with her / him about what makes all involved happy, excited and satisfy in all aspects of life not just sexual interactions.

Honest and unambiguous communications creates a lasting bridge between friends, particularly lovers, connecting and bring them together, closer and closer, the more you talk about your desires and her / his likes and dislikes.

Porn movies are to say the least unrealistic, addictive, degrading and distracting, causing unrealistic and harmful expectations. - Having sex, or making love requires one‘s full attention for optimum level of intimacy and performance. - Never forget that sex takes place between your ears, not between your legs.

Healthy, incredible and highly pleasurable sex requires the following criteria: honest and unambiguous communication, mutual respect, trust, surrender, physical and emotional intimate touch and connection, in that order, for achieving glorious sex every time!

What is Sexual Healing?

- By Dr. Deborah Taj Anapol, Ph.D

Sexual healing encompasses three broad, interrelated categories of work: releasing genital armoring and regaining your capacity for pleasure.

Almost everyone who has come of age in our sex negative culture needs loving guidance in adulthood in order to reach their full sexual potential. Genital armoring initially occurs when children are shamed or discouraged from touching their genitals, enjoying their bodies through masturbation and engaging in natural exploration with peers. It can also result from invasive medical interventions (i.e. abortion, hysterectomy, circumcision, or cesarean delivery) insensitive or unskilled partners, rough handling, overuse of vibrators, emotional trauma, and from unfulfilling lovemaking. The most dramatic and severe genital armoring is often a result of rape or child sexual abuse but ordinary people with no personal history of abuse can easily acquire enough armoring to drastically limit their sexual pleasure simply by being exposed to society’s typical anti-sex messages.

The concept of genital armoring is derived from Wilhelm Reichs theory of body armoring. Reich believed that the muscular tissue of the body responds to emotional as well as physical trauma by tensing up in a protective reflex. Over time, these tissues become chronically stiff and hard, blocking sensation and energy flow in the affected area. Armoring is an instinctive protective device whose purpose is to defend against experiencing physical or emotional pain. It is the bodily equivalent of psychological defense mechanisms such as denial, projection, or repression. It is mediated by constricting the breath and by muscular contraction, both of which reduce our capacity to experience pleasurable feelings and ultimately lead to disease.

When body armoring occurs in the sex organs we call it genital armoring. Genital armoring in women can show up as decreased arousal, decreased clitoral or vaginal sensitivity, insufficient lubrication, hypersensitivity, absence of pleasurable sensation during intercourse, vaginismus, or painful intercourse. A healthy vagina is naturally soft, wet, elastic, and electrifyingly responsive to a desirable partner. It invites the penis to enter and enthusiastically enters into a dance of love.

In men, armoring can cause the penis to become insensitive, resulting in a need for intense stimulation in order to maintain an erection or reach orgasm. Conversely, armoring can create over-sensitivity, premature ejaculation and a discomfort with being gently stroked. Armoring in men also manifests itself in the form of chronic tension in the anal sphincter muscles, involuntary erections, an attitude of sexual greed and the need for repeated genital stimulation. Men frequently have a lot of armoring in the heart area, as well, and are unable to experience pleasurable sensations from stimulation of their breasts and nipples. A healthy penis remains flexible and sensitive even when erect. It is able to transmit energy to the vagina and receive sexual pleasure both during vigorous intercourse and in a softer, resting mode.

We hypothesize that reclaiming the genitals by releasing genital armoring will not only increase the capacity for pleasure but will, when combined with appropriate lifestyle changes, contribute to curing or preventing disorders of the uro-genital system such as chronic vaginitis, chronic cystitis, menstrual or menopausal dysfunction, ovarian and uterine cysts, cancer, and enlarged prostate.

Utilizing sexual energy to revitalize, rejuvenate, and heal the body.

Leading edge health care practitioners and researchers are discovering what taoist masters, tantric adepts, and shamanic healers have known for centuries: Sex is not only pleasurable, it is good for you! Sexual arousal activates the endocrine system, which in turn contributes to cardiovascular health, enhances the immune system, elevates mood, and slows the aging process. Good sex can also improve your appearance, reduce stress, relieve pain, burn calories, and regulate the menstrual cycle. The basic concept involved in this aspect of sexual healing is that sickness and health are not the responsibility of medical experts, but rather come from within. By tapping into the innate wisdom and healing ability of the body via the breath and our sexual response, we create our own wellbeing.

The ancient taoists understood that health results from raising and balancing the energy or life force within the body. Energy loss or blockage results in disease, aging, and ultimately death. Generating higher levels of sexual energy provides a means of clearing blocked pathways and directing more energy where ever it is needed for healing.

In other words, sexual energy, life force, and healing energy all come from the same source and can be transmuted into one another. The taoists determined that while sexual arousal can increase energy, excessive ejaculation depletes energy in men as does excessive menstrual flow in women. Sexual healing thus encompasses teaching men how to orgasm without ejaculating, thus allowing them to prolong intercourse, be less goal-oriented and self absorbed, and fully satisfy a woman. Leisurely, unhurried lovemaking not only energizes the body, but also contributes to happier, loving interactions between partners.

Sexual healing is also about ending the war between men and women and learning to use our sexual energy effectively to nurture each other and experience a sense of unity with all of life.

The wound between men and women runs deep in our collective consciousness and often seems rooted in the very cells of our bodies. Men and women often find themselves polarized into opposing positions especially when it comes to sex, emotional expression, communication, and matters of the heart. The core of these differences is sometimes expressed as "men want hot sex and women want romantic love," when the truth is that both men and women long for satisfying sex and sustainable love. In the past, there has been a tendency for men and women to regard each other as the enemy, and so, if they are heterosexual, to discover that "sleeping with the enemy" leads to conflicts and power struggles.

Sexual healing in this context means finding ways to redirect the energy which is wasted in struggles over who is right and who is wrong, who is dominator and who is victim, who is to blame and who is wrongly accused, and instead support each other in solving the critical problems which face us all as we enter the 21st Century.

For many generations, men and women have been socialized differently and shamed or punished for exhibiting traits deemed inappropriate for their gender. We believe that by socializing women to repress their sexual desires and socializing men to repress their emotions, we have created a situation in which people often find it difficult to meet their needs for nurturing and erotic satisfaction. When men and women are freed from culturally imposed stereotypes and reconnect the heart and the genitals, harmony is restored and abundance is available to all.

Ancient traditions, which honor the sacred union of male and female and recognize the importance of balancing the masculine and feminine elements within each of us, as well as in the external world, offer us a model for healing. Since our present culture has tended to elevate the masculine over the feminine, we find that most people approach sex and relationship from a male point of view. We seek to balance this by learning to honor the deep feminine in a way which is not merely a reaction to or mirror image of patriarchal customs, but comes from an entirely different way of being.

In order to make whole systems healing available to whomever desires it, several core issues must be addressed.

Competent practitioners who have the aptitude, training, motivation and maturity to offer these services must be identified and offered the opportunity to acquire additional necessary skills and knowledge. In essence, we are talking about the creation of a new vocation of sexual healing. Since this is a concept, which has been unthinkable in a sex negative culture such as ours, many who have felt called to this work have found validation in the ancient archetype of the sacred prostitute.

Until very recently, the concept of integrating the erotic into our healthcare system has been unthinkable. This separation has been gradually breaking down since the sixties with the renaissance of midwifery and more natural birthing procedures, the advent of prescription birth control devices, the introduction of sex therapy by Masters and Johnson, and the growing acceptance of sex surrogates in clinical practice.

Given what we have previously discussed about the overlap between sexual energy and healing energy, and the basic identity of the life force energy and sexual energy, it seems obvious, at least to some of us, that trying to restore health when it is forbidden to utilize the sexual energy of either the patient or the health care practitioner is foolhardy.

While facilitating birth, death, and every life aspect in between, including erotic ritual, were once the role of ancient priestess/healers, the splitting off of sex and spirit, not to mention body and mind, has led to a state in which realistic fears of exploitation and manipulation have enforced an official separation between health care delivery, spiritual counseling, and eroticism. Consequently, licensing requirements for every profession, without exception, prohibit sexual contact with clients. As a result, we must explore legitimate alternatives for providing sexual health.

A paradigm shift of the magnitude we are envisioning can best be accomplished by creating a self-sufficient erotic community in which new ways of being can be developed and nurtured in a protected environment and eventually shared with the world. Our next step is to secure a suitable physical location where 20 to 30 people can comfortably live together, free of other responsibilities, and share in an alchemical process, which will serve to create a solid core group from which further growth can flourish.

Female Circumcision In America

"You are a woman without a penis so you really have no right to weigh in on this circumcision debate anyway."

It was then that I knew it was time to step forward and to stop hiding. I am thirty years old. I am white, not Middle Eastern or from Sudan or Malaysia or of the Muslim faith. My father is Irish Catholic. My mother is a Jewish woman who converted to Catholicism when she married my father. Both of my brothers are circumcised and my mother is adamant in her defense of their circumcision.

I step out of the shower and I stand in front of the mirror and I look like your average European American, pale skin, red hair, green eyes. I am not your average woman though.

I am circumcised.

I am a white American, non-Muslim woman who was circumcised as a toddler by the same pediatrician that circumcised my brothers and at the same hospital at which I was born. I have no clitoral hood and only a V shaped scar and the tiniest bit of inner labia they were kind enough to leave behind. I always knew something was different. I have a half sister seven years my senior and she had a normal looking vagina. Mine always looked wrong to me but I never said anything because after all, every woman is unique and different.

I also have this vague and disturbing memory from when I was two and the most uncomfortable sexual feeling even at a young age around male doctors. When I married young to my now ex-husband on our honeymoon he said, "I have never seen a vagina like yours! It is amazingly perfect, too perfect, like something is missing." That too perfect vagina was most certainly missing something, and would cause me serious sexual issues that I chalked up to a sexual assault at the age of eighteen. If only I had know that it had been assaulted by a knife long before that perhaps I could have come to terms much sooner.

It was only as I was nearing my late twenties, had been divorced and had other sexual partners all of which commented in some way or another on the difference of my vagina, that I had an uncontrollable urge to dig deeper. Then at a well woman check up with my now favorite Ob/Gyn he told me or rather asked me why I was a circumcised female. He felt awful when he realized that I did not know and he had assumed I had consented to vaginal cosmetic surgery. As an aside I am happy to report that because of my experience and continued dialogue with him he is now against MGM (Male Genital Mutilation) a practice he used to support.

After months of demanding, digging, and putting my foot down I obtained the records from my birth that told me nothing but did lead me to my childhood pediatrician. Those records revealed the ghastly truth of a two-year-old girl circumcised at her mother's request. In sadness I confronted my mother and was adamantly told that she had always done what was best for her children and had no regrets but did not want to speak of it.

I made an appointment to speak to the now retired physician only to have him move away before I could speak with him. I am still searching for him. I know he was an old friend of my parents who also did my brothers' bris. Surely he will know why my mother would request such a thing for her daughter. My father remains largely silent on the issue. "You know your mother," is the only answer I receive from him.

When my son was born I was young, I had familial and societal pressure. But I did NOT allow him to be assaulted with a knife . As a mother all that was in me cried out to truly research and know that genital mutilation is not okay. And now I know that not only as a mother but also as a survivor of FGM (Female Genital Mutilation) every instinct told me not to allow him to be cut.

I will speak out against MGM because just like those innocent baby boys my prepuce has been removed. Can I orgasm? Yes I can. Within about sixty seconds of sexual contact I orgasm. Sounds good right? WRONG. After I orgasm I experience oversensitive raw pain for the duration of the sexual contact. There is no hood to protect my clitoris. I may very well be the only woman out there who is looking for a partner who is a "one minute wonder" to spend the rest of my life with. Even now, years later, clothing, undergarments, contact... all of these irritate my overexposed clitoris. I also have to deal with the fact that if I choose to have a new sexual partner I will deal with the inevitable comments and questions which leave me feeling unattractive and just plain wrong down there.

So I say: I DO have a right to speak out against MGM and I will continue to do so. I know the continued frustration and all that is missing due to being circumcised and no baby, boy or girl, should ever have to live with this choice being forced upon him or her.